No Resistance

Last week I made some great art, but I made no money.
That is really nerve racking. I spent a lot of time seeking out work and painting for my upcoming 13 Nights of Halloween. I just kept telling myself art is what you do and there are weeks where you get paid to be an artist making art.But there are weeks where the well is dry.  But the crime is to just stop. The crime is to wallow. The crime is to believe that since you are not making money that what you are doing is not worthwhile. The crime is I am an artist who creates and I need to do it and not doing it makes me miserable. The real trick for me making art is still having the desire to make art even when someone is not throwing money at me to do it.
That said, money sure is a great motivator. It can also be a big trap. It is when I don't make money that the little voices of self hate and destructive behavior go to work. "You are not good enough." "People say they like your work but no one will pay you for it"  "You are kidding yourself, go look at accomplished artists and see how you are lacking." "No one wants to buy ugly monsters"
I would love to say those little voices stop at that little bit, but they don't, they never have.
There is an amazing book call The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. You can find it here:
http://www.amazon.com/The-War-Art-Through-Creative/dp/0446691437
It was given to me by a former coworker of mine who I greatly admire.
This book and author gave a name to those voices, it called it the Resistance.
If you have ever pursued anything creative you have encountered the Resistance.
If you have ever tried to better yourself you have encountered the Resistance.
The Resistance, for me,is all of my fear, my self hate, and my insecurities.
The fact of the matter is the Resistance is a lie.
The Resistance tries to convince me I am broken. It tries to convince me that there is  "normal" a "status quo" that I need to constantly be striving to achieve. For much of my life I thought this was my inner voice trying to protect me and give me guidance and make me a better person.
Turns out it is the opposite, it was working diligently to hold me back. I will get into more details as to specific examples the Resistance helps me commit self sabotage in future posts. But for now I just want to establish this idea that there is an internal force inside me, that does not want me to do well. It does not want me to succeed. It will tell me that it is doing this to be comfortable, to be safe. It will try to convince me it has the best intentions and my best interests. Because the Resistance is something I created to protect myself from pain and ridicule. It is a defensive device in my psyche.
That is the battle I face as a creative being.
I am my biggest asset and liability if I let myself be.
But I won't let it. Last week I did not make money, but it had nothing to do with me being a bad artist, or a bad business person or being lazy or not pushing myself to bleed out my eyes working.
I just did not for, whatever reason, make money. But I made some great art.
And maybe that art I made will make me big money in the future it is something I cannot control.
But I can control the voice inside and I do that by not listening to its venom.
I am an artist and last week I made art.
It was a good week